Dearest World,
If I knew how to turn the pain off, I would.
If I knew how to have hope for the future, I would.
If I knew how to stop hating myself for being unable to have a child, I would.
If I knew how to stop feeling like a disappointment to my husband, I would.
If I knew how to stop the fear, I would.
If I knew how to keep from falling apart in a room full of strangers, I would.
If I knew how to fix my womb, I would.
If I knew how to finally be a mother, I would.
The trouble is I don't. I don't know how to move on from this. I don't know how to make it all go away. I don't know how to hope that one day I will get to be a mother. I just don't.
I can fall apart at a moment's notice, no matter what is being said. I feel raw, over-emotional and utterly ruined. I keep trying to do and say the right things to make it all go away but it won't.
It still hurts just as much as the day I lost you. I think of you almost every day - both of you. I love you so much even though I'll never get to see you and hold you. I'll never get to count your fingers and toes or dream of your future. It was over before it even began and I'm left here, alone. Just wishing I could stop loving you for one second, wishing there would be a moment that I didn't feel the darkness and unyielding pain at the back of my heart just threatening to break me.
If I knew how to end it all, I would.
In sorrowful weirdness,
Alissa
Sunday, December 14, 2014
Wednesday, December 3, 2014
The Potter part of me...
Dearest World,
Whenever I am asked, "If you could do any job in the in the world, what would it be?" My answer is a novelist. Up until recently I shied away from stating my heart's desire for fear of laughter or condemnation. I was too afraid I would have to produce some of my writing to be judged and I wasn't ready. But lately, something within me has started to resent my cowardice and so I am able to communicate my hopes and dreams regarding the literary world. (I can actually say the words, "I want to write" to people's faces now - GASP!) Though I am able to tell people the truth now, I still have a hard time producing my work. I'm still not 100% ready. I lack confidence in my skills and I'm very critical (and insanely over-protective) about all of my work this far.
In a recent assignment for school we were asked to define ourselves as a writer, and I realized I had no idea what kind of writer I wanted to be... This left me, hmmm... how do I put it? PANICKED! How have I dreamt about this for years and yet have no idea exactly how I wanted to try and accomplish this goal? Ridiculous!
As I began to think about how I could offer something of value to the book community I could only think of one thing: being honest about my experiences. Most creative people - like writers (including me!) - seek a place to help resolve their own emotions and this makes your emotional experiences a crucial element in your identity. Now I just have to figure out how I want to share these experiences.
Do I want to make people laugh? Obviously.
Cry? Uhmm, not to sound horrible, but yes!
Feel afraid? I don't think I'd do well with this one, as I am a horrid fraidy cat!
Challenged? Absolutely.
I've discovered that I pretty much want to affect people on every possible emotional level. Now, this is a bit too broad for me to be successful - at least in these beginning stages. So, I have to narrow down what I am best at and how I feel I can connect with people.
I think I am a very genuine person and genuine personality can really make a difference when you are dealing with the public. I know I am unapologetically weird almost every moment of every day. I hope that my writing will reflect an authenticity that truly helps people connect to the story. So, I am going to start there....
I know having a starting point is just the beginning. It takes a lot of hard work - work on self, work on actual stories, work in getting an online presence - to make a living as a novelist. But I think I am, for the first time, truly ready to try.
With determined weirdness,
Alissa
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
Last night
Dearest World,
Well, last night was a miserable night. Full of the worst pain I have ever experienced, both physically and mentally. No one told me that miscarriages were this painful. The last miscarriage I had was complicated with a cyst on my ovary and I thought that was pain.
Nothing prepared me for the horrific-ness of last night's (or early today's) events. Aside from the intense waves of pain that rocked my lower abdomen every few minutes, every single moment of that pain reminded me of what I had lost, of what I was losing. Our child.
David was amazing (as usual) and stayed up with me, comforted me, and asked every few minutes if I wanted him to take me to the emergency room. Eventually after much bargaining with God to make it go away (you know, the usual "help me and I'll do whatever you want, I'll go to Africa, I'll build an orphanage, etc...") and 6 magical pain relieving tablets, the pain subsided to a dull ache and I was able to sleep. Thank heavens! Though last night was not the greatest, I am feeling incredibly blessed this morning.
First, because I have an amazing husband who serves me through Christ's love on a daily basis. I will honestly never stop thanking God for His provision in giving me David. (If you hate braggy-sounding wives and stories of great men, feel free to skip waaaay down in this post!) David is an amazingly talented man, he is an artist, a musician, a fitness guru, a motivator, a hockey player, a hard-worker, a leader, and the list goes on and on. He is creative, playful and silly, loving, serving, strong, thoughtful, and all around wonderful. The most amazing thing about him is how much he loves God. And second most amazing is how much he loves me and shows me his love on a daily basis. This morning I awoke to a yummy coffee and a picture of us on our wedding day. Next to these items was a letter from my loving husband reminding me that he still means every word he promised me on that day. This letter praised me for my strengths and urged me to find God's grace and goodness in our suffering. What an amazing, truly humbling thing to be loved so well. :)
The second blessing came through my devotional this morning. I am incredibly blessed through God's peace. So blessed in fact that I have decided to tell my close friends and family about this blog. Sharing my innermost thoughts with them has always been something I've shied away from but now I feel differently. I want to share the glory of God through my suffering. Yes, this is a rough time and I'm not out of the woods yet but I know that God will bring glory to himself through this experience. I have been reading (thanks to a very new and dear, dear friend) a devotional blog entitled "She Reads Truth." This morning's devotional began our introduction to Jesus' Sermon on the Mount. The passage we read in Matthew speaks of a light dawning on those dwelling in the shadow of death. The Light came to release the law and fulfill it Himself. No man is capable but our God is capable. I am so thankful for that.
We were also led to Romans 8 and I read a verse that struck a chord with me this morning.
This doesn't mean there won't be pain or suffering in the Spirit but that we still have hope. The despair that tries so valiantly to pull you under has no victory against the grace and peace of Christ. The last words I'll leave you with today are from the She Reads Truth devotional,
Well, last night was a miserable night. Full of the worst pain I have ever experienced, both physically and mentally. No one told me that miscarriages were this painful. The last miscarriage I had was complicated with a cyst on my ovary and I thought that was pain.
Nothing prepared me for the horrific-ness of last night's (or early today's) events. Aside from the intense waves of pain that rocked my lower abdomen every few minutes, every single moment of that pain reminded me of what I had lost, of what I was losing. Our child.
David was amazing (as usual) and stayed up with me, comforted me, and asked every few minutes if I wanted him to take me to the emergency room. Eventually after much bargaining with God to make it go away (you know, the usual "help me and I'll do whatever you want, I'll go to Africa, I'll build an orphanage, etc...") and 6 magical pain relieving tablets, the pain subsided to a dull ache and I was able to sleep. Thank heavens! Though last night was not the greatest, I am feeling incredibly blessed this morning.
First, because I have an amazing husband who serves me through Christ's love on a daily basis. I will honestly never stop thanking God for His provision in giving me David. (If you hate braggy-sounding wives and stories of great men, feel free to skip waaaay down in this post!) David is an amazingly talented man, he is an artist, a musician, a fitness guru, a motivator, a hockey player, a hard-worker, a leader, and the list goes on and on. He is creative, playful and silly, loving, serving, strong, thoughtful, and all around wonderful. The most amazing thing about him is how much he loves God. And second most amazing is how much he loves me and shows me his love on a daily basis. This morning I awoke to a yummy coffee and a picture of us on our wedding day. Next to these items was a letter from my loving husband reminding me that he still means every word he promised me on that day. This letter praised me for my strengths and urged me to find God's grace and goodness in our suffering. What an amazing, truly humbling thing to be loved so well. :)
The second blessing came through my devotional this morning. I am incredibly blessed through God's peace. So blessed in fact that I have decided to tell my close friends and family about this blog. Sharing my innermost thoughts with them has always been something I've shied away from but now I feel differently. I want to share the glory of God through my suffering. Yes, this is a rough time and I'm not out of the woods yet but I know that God will bring glory to himself through this experience. I have been reading (thanks to a very new and dear, dear friend) a devotional blog entitled "She Reads Truth." This morning's devotional began our introduction to Jesus' Sermon on the Mount. The passage we read in Matthew speaks of a light dawning on those dwelling in the shadow of death. The Light came to release the law and fulfill it Himself. No man is capable but our God is capable. I am so thankful for that.
We were also led to Romans 8 and I read a verse that struck a chord with me this morning.
Romans 8:5-6, "For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit. For to set the mind on flesh is death but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace."
This doesn't mean there won't be pain or suffering in the Spirit but that we still have hope. The despair that tries so valiantly to pull you under has no victory against the grace and peace of Christ. The last words I'll leave you with today are from the She Reads Truth devotional,
"Moses had presented he law all those many years before, and the people did - and do - fall miserably short. Jesus Christ came to fulfill the law - down to the letter! - so that we might gain His reward (Matt 5:17, Romans 5:17). The reward was freedom. Freedom from sin, freedom from self. Freedom from hopelessness and death. Freedom from rule-based religion. Freedom to love and be loved by a holy and merciful God."
Wow. How lucky and blessed we all are to have a love like this.
In weirdness and much grace,
Alissa
Monday, June 30, 2014
My Biggest Struggle
Dearest World,
This entry will be long but I need to say every word.
Now, I'm not perfect. I wish I could say that I felt the same amount of immeasurable presence of God in my brokenness. But I didn't. Graciously, God found me in the midst of all my misery and reminded me of His love for me and for my child.God is still good, even when life is horrific. The strength we find is in Christ alone. Only He directs our paths and calms our souls. "From life's first cry to final breath, Jesus commands my destiny." His love cannot be stopped by my prideful, stubborn heart and I've never been more thankful for this than in the past few days.
This entry will be long but I need to say every word.
This is just the beginning of my story and I don’t yet know how it ends. Wouldn't life be so much easier if we did? My husband and I have been trying to conceive a child for almost 4 years. I try to cling to the hope that one day my dreams of having a family of my own will come true but I’m struggling. We've had two very exciting pregnancies that both ended before we were able to hold a baby in our arms. The first time it happened was early on, (we had barely found out and then it was gone) and the loss was rough but easier. This last time was different. We had planned and prayed and loved that child for a few weeks before it was taken from us. I know I’ll remember that day for a lifetime. Each moment and every labored breath is etched into my mind for eternity...
He came in with that look on his face. The one that tells you its bad news before a word is even spoken. I knew in that moment my baby was gone. Anguish ripped open that place in my soul, the one place that was holding out hope that the baby – our baby – was okay. My world emptied and I couldn't respond. This wasn't a movie scene; no one wanted to see this young woman wail at the loss of her unborn child. No, this is the real world. This is the world where you smile and you act like you didn't just shatter on the inside. This is the world where suffering is done in private.
The doctor smiled tentatively as he went over hormone levels and numbers. It was all a blur to me; it was meaningless chatter, I already knew the end result. As I sat there I could feel the hysteria rising up from within me. “Your pregnancy has been unexpectedly terminated…” The doctor went on about going to a fertility clinic. I stopped listening. He was trying to offer me something I was tired of holding on to: hope. This wasn't the first time we’d lost a child and a fertility doctor had tried to help us. He was a nice man but he didn't have a clue. He had no idea that at this point my husband David and I were basically fertility experts. He sympathetically patted my arm and as he left the room so did my self-control.
“Babe…” David reached for me but I grabbed my clothes and ran into the sanctuary that was the adjoining bathroom. I slid on to the tile clutching my grief in the clothing I held. My shoulders heaved and my stomach turned. My soul had lost another fight to my body. My body refused to bear a child. It was impossible to escape the pain. I would never be whole again.
A small and confident voice stirred within me. How? I do not know. “Change,” it said, “just change out of this gown and get the hell out of here. You can do that, you’re strong.” Those words repeated over and over while I unclasped and re-clasped and danced into my too small pants. I stood in front of the tiny bathroom mirror and gawked at myself. I’m not different but I am. Why doesn't our outward appearance reflect inward change? It would be easier if I was missing a limb or my chest was torn and bleeding. Actually it would be better if someone had just ripped out my heart. My soul wouldn't have known the difference.
We tried to escape from the cell that held us before the nurses were ready “This will be quick; we just have to get your final blood pressure before we can release you” the blond nurse wrapped the cuff around my arm. My resolve was weakening and tear by tear my face began to speak the words I couldn't say.
“That’s fine,” I managed.
“Don’t worry I’d want to get out of here too,” she said.
I refrained from looking at her directly and just nodded a bit through my tears. We got the all clear and I practically jumped out of our room. David and I raced through the halls, him mostly chasing me and me trying not to break into an all-out run. Once we got outside David could wait no longer but I could have waited forever. I didn't want to hug him - touching him would make all of this real. I didn't want to be comforted; I wanted to run. But David pulled me into his arms and I broke. I sobbed in his arms and he serenaded me with choruses of “it’s okay,” and “we’ll be okay”
Somehow I ended up in the car and we began the drive home. I succumbed even further to my misery the moment the crunch of gravel sounded under our tires. Home. Just yesterday I loved this place. I had spent days scouring for Pinterest projects and arranging the baby’s room in my mind. I knew on the counter there was a bottle of prenatal vitamins. The Tylenol purchased specifically because it wouldn't harm the baby. In this house there were memories of countless excited moments we'd shared as we planned for our child. Too many desires that had been halted. I couldn't go inside. How could I face this? The death of future plans? The death of all my hopes and dreams? The death of my sweet baby? Emptiness swallowed me whole. I sealed myself in the car and cried.
Though I have no idea how, that small voice softly began, “Just get out of the car and face the house. You can do this, you’re strong.” My heart ached and somehow pulled all the energy from my already tired body and I began. The journey towards the door was bleak. In each step I confronted the memories and sorrow. In every stride that small voice repeated my new mantra, “you’re strong.” But I wasn't.
Thank the Lord that we don't have to carry these burdens alone. I'm still devastated but with each passing moment it gets better. A few days before the loss of our baby, I'd shared a wonderful time with God. I was driving home from leading a training in Denver. A storm accompanied me on most of the 4 hour drive and during one of the loudest moments of thunder the song "In Christ Alone" by Shane & Shane (you can play this song from the link at the bottom) came on my radio. It was a glorious experience. Words cannot truly express the amount of grace, love, and peace I felt in those moments.
He came in with that look on his face. The one that tells you its bad news before a word is even spoken. I knew in that moment my baby was gone. Anguish ripped open that place in my soul, the one place that was holding out hope that the baby – our baby – was okay. My world emptied and I couldn't respond. This wasn't a movie scene; no one wanted to see this young woman wail at the loss of her unborn child. No, this is the real world. This is the world where you smile and you act like you didn't just shatter on the inside. This is the world where suffering is done in private.
The doctor smiled tentatively as he went over hormone levels and numbers. It was all a blur to me; it was meaningless chatter, I already knew the end result. As I sat there I could feel the hysteria rising up from within me. “Your pregnancy has been unexpectedly terminated…” The doctor went on about going to a fertility clinic. I stopped listening. He was trying to offer me something I was tired of holding on to: hope. This wasn't the first time we’d lost a child and a fertility doctor had tried to help us. He was a nice man but he didn't have a clue. He had no idea that at this point my husband David and I were basically fertility experts. He sympathetically patted my arm and as he left the room so did my self-control.
“Babe…” David reached for me but I grabbed my clothes and ran into the sanctuary that was the adjoining bathroom. I slid on to the tile clutching my grief in the clothing I held. My shoulders heaved and my stomach turned. My soul had lost another fight to my body. My body refused to bear a child. It was impossible to escape the pain. I would never be whole again.
A small and confident voice stirred within me. How? I do not know. “Change,” it said, “just change out of this gown and get the hell out of here. You can do that, you’re strong.” Those words repeated over and over while I unclasped and re-clasped and danced into my too small pants. I stood in front of the tiny bathroom mirror and gawked at myself. I’m not different but I am. Why doesn't our outward appearance reflect inward change? It would be easier if I was missing a limb or my chest was torn and bleeding. Actually it would be better if someone had just ripped out my heart. My soul wouldn't have known the difference.
We tried to escape from the cell that held us before the nurses were ready “This will be quick; we just have to get your final blood pressure before we can release you” the blond nurse wrapped the cuff around my arm. My resolve was weakening and tear by tear my face began to speak the words I couldn't say.
“That’s fine,” I managed.
“Don’t worry I’d want to get out of here too,” she said.
I refrained from looking at her directly and just nodded a bit through my tears. We got the all clear and I practically jumped out of our room. David and I raced through the halls, him mostly chasing me and me trying not to break into an all-out run. Once we got outside David could wait no longer but I could have waited forever. I didn't want to hug him - touching him would make all of this real. I didn't want to be comforted; I wanted to run. But David pulled me into his arms and I broke. I sobbed in his arms and he serenaded me with choruses of “it’s okay,” and “we’ll be okay”
Somehow I ended up in the car and we began the drive home. I succumbed even further to my misery the moment the crunch of gravel sounded under our tires. Home. Just yesterday I loved this place. I had spent days scouring for Pinterest projects and arranging the baby’s room in my mind. I knew on the counter there was a bottle of prenatal vitamins. The Tylenol purchased specifically because it wouldn't harm the baby. In this house there were memories of countless excited moments we'd shared as we planned for our child. Too many desires that had been halted. I couldn't go inside. How could I face this? The death of future plans? The death of all my hopes and dreams? The death of my sweet baby? Emptiness swallowed me whole. I sealed myself in the car and cried.
Though I have no idea how, that small voice softly began, “Just get out of the car and face the house. You can do this, you’re strong.” My heart ached and somehow pulled all the energy from my already tired body and I began. The journey towards the door was bleak. In each step I confronted the memories and sorrow. In every stride that small voice repeated my new mantra, “you’re strong.” But I wasn't.
He was.
Thank the Lord that we don't have to carry these burdens alone. I'm still devastated but with each passing moment it gets better. A few days before the loss of our baby, I'd shared a wonderful time with God. I was driving home from leading a training in Denver. A storm accompanied me on most of the 4 hour drive and during one of the loudest moments of thunder the song "In Christ Alone" by Shane & Shane (you can play this song from the link at the bottom) came on my radio. It was a glorious experience. Words cannot truly express the amount of grace, love, and peace I felt in those moments.
Now, I'm not perfect. I wish I could say that I felt the same amount of immeasurable presence of God in my brokenness. But I didn't. Graciously, God found me in the midst of all my misery and reminded me of His love for me and for my child.God is still good, even when life is horrific. The strength we find is in Christ alone. Only He directs our paths and calms our souls. "From life's first cry to final breath, Jesus commands my destiny." His love cannot be stopped by my prideful, stubborn heart and I've never been more thankful for this than in the past few days.
In weirdness and mutual suffering,
Alissa
Thursday, June 12, 2014
Random Info About Me
Dear World (or at least someone in it),
This blog will probably not be read by many, and that's okay. (Though I do hope someone reads it) But since the whole world will have access to this, I figured I should let you all know a little bit more about me.
For starters here is just a little info about me (I pulled this 50 question survey from spark people.com):
1. Were you named after anyone?
Negative. But I did get my middle name because of the time I was born (ish): Dawn.
2. When was the last time you cried?
Yesterday. Yes, literally yesterday.
3. Do you like your handwriting?
Meh... Sometimes.
4. What is your favorite lunch meat?
Peppered Turkey
5. Do you have kids?
Nope
6. If you were another person would you be friends with you?
I think yes, though I wouldn't want to be close friends and have to emotionally support me. That's a huge reason why I'm doing this blog, but more on that later.
7. Do you use sarcasm a lot?
Could I BE anymore sarcastic? Sarcasm. Yes. Too often.
8. Do you still have your tonsils?
Yes
9. Would you bungee jump?
I am curious about it, haven't quite taken the plunge (heh heh) on a definitive answer yet!
10. What is your favorite cereal?
Foot Loops, though I rarely eat them anymore!
11. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?
Very rarely
12. Do you think you're strong?
Physically? No. Mentally? Yes. Emotionally. Oh heavens, no. I wish I were though...
13. What is your favorite ice-cream?
Mint Chocolate Chip!
14. What is the first thing you notice about people?
Whether they are wearing a smile or a frown
15. Red or pink?
Red
16. What is the least favorite thing about yourself?
Blast it! What a horrible question! My least favorite thing... I can't really explain it. I guess the easiest way to say it is I'm overly anxious and prone to worry - A LOT.
17. Who do you miss the most?
Another toughy, I think my sister. I live far away from my whole family at the moment and I miss them all like crazy. My sister the most because it was always her and me against the world and now it still is but it's a lot harder because we don't see each other as often.
18. What is the Paul McKenna technique you need to work on the most?
This is an odd question, I haven't the slightest. Oh well, onward!
19. Any tattoos?
Yes, two. One on my wrist and one on my foot.
20. What color shoes are you wearing?
Feetsie colored
21. What is the last thing you ate?
Cinnamon Roasted Almonds
22. What are you listening to right now?
Silence, occasionally interrupted by the sound of a car driving by.
23. If you were a crayon,what color would you be?
Hmmm, maybe teal? Though if we are choosing based on representation of self I don't think I could pass for teal. Maybe I'd be one of those crayon nubs. You know, the really small ones with no wrapper? Yes. That sounds about right, a teal nub. Lol. I'm ridiculous.
24. Favorite smell?
Ocean during a rainstorm. Hands down.
25 .Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
A Medical Bill Collector. Joy.
26. Mountain hideaway or beach house?
Beach, no question!
27. Favorite sport to watch?
Dance, anything dance. If you don't consider that a sport - shame on you!
28. Hair color?
Current: Auburnyish (yes, you read that correctly. And yes, I make up words)
Natural: Medium Brown
29. Eye color?
Brown
30. Do you wear contacts?
Yes, but currently I don't have any sooooo glasses it is!
31. Favorite food?
Mexican! Or Italian. Both delicious!
32. Scary movies or happy ending?
Happy endings. Always. I mean, I can't even watch scary movies, I'm a pansycake!
33. Last movie you watched?
Harry Potter & the Half-Blood Prince (HUGE shocker there...)
34. What color shirt are you wearing?
Red... I am always wearing red. Oh, Target uniform how I love thee
35. Summer or winter?
This really depends on where you live and what kind of seasons you experience there. I'll go with summer but fall is my real fave!
36. Hugs or kissing?
Hugs - I like to snuggle!
37. Favorite dessert?
Triple Chocolate Cheesecake (that my mama makes. Yum!)
38. Strength training or cardio?
Both, you have to have both.
39. Computer or television?
Eeek... I want to say both again. But I won't do two cop-outs in a row sooooo television?
40. What book are you reading right now?
A few actually. When the Darkness will not Lift by John Piper, The Battle of $9.99 by Andrew Albanese, a couple books for my online classes and I am currently deciding which "for fun" book I should read as I just finished Sentinel by Jennifer Armentrout. (I wasn't kidding when I said reading was a love of mine!)
41. What is your mouse pad?
Laptop or phone, no mousepad here.
42. Favorite sound?
Far too many to choose from. I just can't. Here are a few: Certain songs, waves, bonfires, my husband playing guitar, the rain, the Harry Potter theme song (no judging me!), hearing "I love you," there are too many!
43. Rolling Stones or Beatles?
Meh... Silence?
44. What is the farthest you been from home?
New Jersey
45. Do you have a special talent?
Not really
46. Where were you born?
Lodi, CA
47. Where are you living now?
Casper, WY
48. What color is your house?
Beige
49. What color is your car?
A silvery/gray/blue, and her name is Luna
50. Do you like answering 50 questions?
So I guess this is a 49 question survey...
So those are 50 random facts. I think it is also important that you know I am 27 (on my way to 28!) years of age, married (to an amazing man), and I have 2 cats. I don't know why the cats portion is important but I wrote it down so it must be on some level. Maybe I'm a closet cat lady, who knows?
In weirdness,
Alissa
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
Me
My life can be summed up in these three words: prayers, potter, & popcorn.
Prayers. My whole life I've believed in God. I was raised in the church. And I do mean in the church. My grandfather literally helped build the church building I attended for most of my childhood. I grew up hearing about God and learning to love him. I strayed away and tried to do things on my own only to find my ideas didn't really work out so well. Shortly after high school I attended a discipleship program where I met my husband and we have built our lives together pursuing Jesus. Now, we have not been perfect and we've had our struggles but we fight hard for what is important to us. Though God has been around my entire life and I have believed in Him, I have never truly understood the depths of His love for us until or what it truly means to be a Christ following woman until recently. The past two years have taught me much in regards to living life with faith. I've prayed more than I ever thought possible and in those prayers I have found grace. Unbelievable, unending, insurmountable grace.
Potter. I love reading and it has also been a key part of me for as long as I can remember. Some of my earliest memories are of my sister and I snuggled up on the couch while my mom read us Little House on the Prairie. I was around three years old and I can remember looking up at my mother's face and watching her lips move as she made the story come alive through her voice. I've been known to fully tune out the world when I'm engaged in a great story. (Just ask all my relatives and husband!) Yes, one of my favorite series to read is Harry Potter but that is not why I chose the word potter. The Potter fandom represents how I feel about many books I've read. I fall in love, completely and obsessively, with novels that grab parts of my soul. The excitement that many people have about Harry Potter books is the excitement I feel for reading in general. As far as things go, reading is the greatest love of my life.
Popcorn. Popcorn is by far my most favorite snack. I love the crunchy, salty, have-to-lick-butter-off-your-fingers-constantly kind. MMM! Aside from it being my favorite snack, it is also very unpredictable. Those of you who have ever made popcorn on the stove know what I mean! These tiny little kernels can really cause quite the headache. I feel like my life is like making stove top popcorn. I'm constantly checking it and trying to make sure everything is going evenly and that I will get the results I want (i.e. all the kernels popped!), but no matter what I do my favorite snack never comes out exactly perfect. Such is life. Life is unpredictable and no matter how hard we try it will never be exactly as we planned or wanted. Sometimes I think its better this way.
So, in a nutshell, this is me. I love deeply and act weirdly almost 100% of the time. I hope that by writing this blog I can encourage others to embrace who they really are. I hope they can learn how to find and trust God - even in the difficult times. I am still learning how and I know we can all learn together. I'm learning to fully embrace life and the struggles it brings. I've finally found the place where I am no longer afraid. I love who I am and I think it's time to share that with the world.
In wonderful weirdness,
Alissa
Prayers. My whole life I've believed in God. I was raised in the church. And I do mean in the church. My grandfather literally helped build the church building I attended for most of my childhood. I grew up hearing about God and learning to love him. I strayed away and tried to do things on my own only to find my ideas didn't really work out so well. Shortly after high school I attended a discipleship program where I met my husband and we have built our lives together pursuing Jesus. Now, we have not been perfect and we've had our struggles but we fight hard for what is important to us. Though God has been around my entire life and I have believed in Him, I have never truly understood the depths of His love for us until or what it truly means to be a Christ following woman until recently. The past two years have taught me much in regards to living life with faith. I've prayed more than I ever thought possible and in those prayers I have found grace. Unbelievable, unending, insurmountable grace.
Potter. I love reading and it has also been a key part of me for as long as I can remember. Some of my earliest memories are of my sister and I snuggled up on the couch while my mom read us Little House on the Prairie. I was around three years old and I can remember looking up at my mother's face and watching her lips move as she made the story come alive through her voice. I've been known to fully tune out the world when I'm engaged in a great story. (Just ask all my relatives and husband!) Yes, one of my favorite series to read is Harry Potter but that is not why I chose the word potter. The Potter fandom represents how I feel about many books I've read. I fall in love, completely and obsessively, with novels that grab parts of my soul. The excitement that many people have about Harry Potter books is the excitement I feel for reading in general. As far as things go, reading is the greatest love of my life.
Popcorn. Popcorn is by far my most favorite snack. I love the crunchy, salty, have-to-lick-butter-off-your-fingers-constantly kind. MMM! Aside from it being my favorite snack, it is also very unpredictable. Those of you who have ever made popcorn on the stove know what I mean! These tiny little kernels can really cause quite the headache. I feel like my life is like making stove top popcorn. I'm constantly checking it and trying to make sure everything is going evenly and that I will get the results I want (i.e. all the kernels popped!), but no matter what I do my favorite snack never comes out exactly perfect. Such is life. Life is unpredictable and no matter how hard we try it will never be exactly as we planned or wanted. Sometimes I think its better this way.
So, in a nutshell, this is me. I love deeply and act weirdly almost 100% of the time. I hope that by writing this blog I can encourage others to embrace who they really are. I hope they can learn how to find and trust God - even in the difficult times. I am still learning how and I know we can all learn together. I'm learning to fully embrace life and the struggles it brings. I've finally found the place where I am no longer afraid. I love who I am and I think it's time to share that with the world.
In wonderful weirdness,
Alissa
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