Well, last night was a miserable night. Full of the worst pain I have ever experienced, both physically and mentally. No one told me that miscarriages were this painful. The last miscarriage I had was complicated with a cyst on my ovary and I thought that was pain.
Nothing prepared me for the horrific-ness of last night's (or early today's) events. Aside from the intense waves of pain that rocked my lower abdomen every few minutes, every single moment of that pain reminded me of what I had lost, of what I was losing. Our child.
David was amazing (as usual) and stayed up with me, comforted me, and asked every few minutes if I wanted him to take me to the emergency room. Eventually after much bargaining with God to make it go away (you know, the usual "help me and I'll do whatever you want, I'll go to Africa, I'll build an orphanage, etc...") and 6 magical pain relieving tablets, the pain subsided to a dull ache and I was able to sleep. Thank heavens! Though last night was not the greatest, I am feeling incredibly blessed this morning.
First, because I have an amazing husband who serves me through Christ's love on a daily basis. I will honestly never stop thanking God for His provision in giving me David. (If you hate braggy-sounding wives and stories of great men, feel free to skip waaaay down in this post!) David is an amazingly talented man, he is an artist, a musician, a fitness guru, a motivator, a hockey player, a hard-worker, a leader, and the list goes on and on. He is creative, playful and silly, loving, serving, strong, thoughtful, and all around wonderful. The most amazing thing about him is how much he loves God. And second most amazing is how much he loves me and shows me his love on a daily basis. This morning I awoke to a yummy coffee and a picture of us on our wedding day. Next to these items was a letter from my loving husband reminding me that he still means every word he promised me on that day. This letter praised me for my strengths and urged me to find God's grace and goodness in our suffering. What an amazing, truly humbling thing to be loved so well. :)
The second blessing came through my devotional this morning. I am incredibly blessed through God's peace. So blessed in fact that I have decided to tell my close friends and family about this blog. Sharing my innermost thoughts with them has always been something I've shied away from but now I feel differently. I want to share the glory of God through my suffering. Yes, this is a rough time and I'm not out of the woods yet but I know that God will bring glory to himself through this experience. I have been reading (thanks to a very new and dear, dear friend) a devotional blog entitled "She Reads Truth." This morning's devotional began our introduction to Jesus' Sermon on the Mount. The passage we read in Matthew speaks of a light dawning on those dwelling in the shadow of death. The Light came to release the law and fulfill it Himself. No man is capable but our God is capable. I am so thankful for that.
We were also led to Romans 8 and I read a verse that struck a chord with me this morning.
Romans 8:5-6, "For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit. For to set the mind on flesh is death but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace."
This doesn't mean there won't be pain or suffering in the Spirit but that we still have hope. The despair that tries so valiantly to pull you under has no victory against the grace and peace of Christ. The last words I'll leave you with today are from the She Reads Truth devotional,
"Moses had presented he law all those many years before, and the people did - and do - fall miserably short. Jesus Christ came to fulfill the law - down to the letter! - so that we might gain His reward (Matt 5:17, Romans 5:17). The reward was freedom. Freedom from sin, freedom from self. Freedom from hopelessness and death. Freedom from rule-based religion. Freedom to love and be loved by a holy and merciful God."
Wow. How lucky and blessed we all are to have a love like this.
In weirdness and much grace,
Alissa
