If I knew

Dearest World,

If I knew how to turn the pain off, I would.
If I knew how to have hope for the future, I would.
If I knew how to stop hating myself for being unable to have a child, I would.
If I knew how to stop feeling like a disappointment to my husband, I would.
If I knew how to stop the fear, I would.
If I knew how to keep from falling apart in a room full of strangers, I would.
If I knew how to fix my womb, I would.
If I knew how to finally be a mother, I would.


The trouble is I don't. I don't know how to move on from this. I don't know how to make it all go away. I don't know how to hope that one day I will get to be a mother. I just don't.

I can fall apart at a moment's notice, no matter what is being said. I feel raw, over-emotional and utterly ruined. I keep trying to do and say the right things to make it all go away but it won't.

It still hurts just as much as the day I lost you. I think of you almost every day - both of you. I love you so much even though I'll never get to see you and hold you. I'll never get to count your fingers and toes or dream of your future. It was over before it even began and I'm left here, alone. Just wishing I could stop loving you for one second, wishing there would be a moment that I didn't feel the darkness and unyielding pain at the back of my heart just threatening to break me.

If I knew how to end it all, I would.

In sorrowful weirdness,
Alissa